How to meet a girl and make-out with her in 5 minutes, by Russell Brand

Some say the fastest gun in the Old West was Wild Bill, but in the New West, it is Russell Brand. Call him crazy, call him a nutcase, but for us, he’s a hero and forever our idol. Honestly, we thought he was just acting in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but apparently for him it was art imitating his true life. 

To explain, Russell had been prowling Sydney’s harbour for 45 minutes when he spotted his prey. Before the poor girl had even finished the chapter she was reading, he introduced himself, made her piss herself with his jokes and then grabbed her head and snogged her with his tongue, leaving her with some slimy snail trail.

We hear the lady was immediately charmed (his saliva must have been magical) and she promptly produced her telephone number. Darn it, why is it we just get the slaps and the verbal abuse when we go for it? Maybe it’s the locks…time to let that hair grow (honey, where’s my Rogaine?).