Did Madonna marry her Jesus over the weekend?

Her spokesperson might have denied wedding rumours, but Madonna got all dressed-up in white (ferocious boy-eaters don’t wear bridal gowns…and she would have worn black had it not been the Kaballah rule of white for wedding rituals) for a Kaballah ceremony over the weekend followed by an equally virginous-looking Jesus.

And according to the boy’s dad, this was a “consequence of living with Madonna” (even he knows there is no chance of escape once you get caught in the spider’s web…it’s all Kaballah and freaky slave sex after that).

In an interview with Brazil’s Quem magazine, Luiz Heitor gave his son’s relationship with Madonna the seal of approval.

He said: ‘My understanding is that this is just a consequence of what is happening. He is already living with her. 

‘I don’t know if there will be an actual wedding. From what I have read there could be a sort of ritual, but I don’t know Kabbalah… to know if it’s valid and legal.’

‘He is very happy and this ceremony would just confirm that.’ (we’re betting this was his son’s words over the phone while Madonna was holding his nutsack and threatening to pull if he didn’t recite his new bible correctly: I love Madonna, Madonna is good for me, those bite marks on my neck and the look of jaundice i’ve been getting is just me hallucinating…)