Heidi Pratt is dying to eat a Kangaroo's penis…because it isn't Spencer's?

We know you like “I’m a celebrity…get me out of here” so much more than The Hills…and that’s because – fingers crossed – there’s a 50/50 chance Spencer and Heidi become sushi for an alligator and you don’t have to see the ditsy blonde making out with the weird creepy dude and his flesh-coloured beard ever, ever again.

However, because we like torturing people, here are quite a few samples of the duo’s brain-dead jungle monologues, including Heidi’s admission that she’s eager to eat a Kangaroo’s penis…because she’s been searching for months and can’t find Spencer’s anywhere…

“I’m more excited than nervous,” Heidi tells PEOPLE on the phone from Costa Rica just hours before the excursion began. “I’m from Colorado. I’m used to camping and roughing it, so I’m excited to experience it with my husband, who’s the city slicker.”

Says Spencer: “The closest I’ve been to camping was one time at the Four Seasons in Maui—they put me in the garden-view suite, not the oceanfront like I would usually get.”

“I wish I was making a joke!” he adds.

“When the doctor came in yesterday and told me to make sure I boil my creek water for at least 30 minutes at a time, I looked at him and said, ‘Wow. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into,’” says Spencer. “He was like, ‘All of the snake bites you will get, we have six hours before you die—and the farthest hospital is only two hours away.’ Awesome!”

“If there weren’t cameras and it wasn’t on NBC, I would already have quit,” says Spencer. “But this is my chance to promote my music, and my wife’s music, so I would walk on coals and battle an alligator right now.”

When it comes to the competition, he says, “The other people I would consider extras or stand-ins. I don’t know any of their names, really. I’m just going to live in the jungle with the camera crew and be crowned King of the Jungle!”

Heidi seems just as determined to come out victorious. “I want to prove to myself that I can eat kangaroo penis or whatever it is they’ll make me eat. I want to know for myself that I can do these challenges and that I’m as tough as anyone in the world,” she says. “I’m not afraid of anything. [But] the biggest competitor is going to be Spencer. He takes no prisoners. I’m worried he’ll push me over a cliff to get first place.”

Knowing there’s an audience out there that isn’t exactly pro-Speidi, she admits that could hurt either of their chances. “You never know,” she says. “But I think people will definitely see a different side of us. More down-to-earth.”

“We’re so down to earth, we’re in the earth!” adds Spencer.

Good, little Kangaroo…can you pretty please go for Heidi’s head when she comes for your penis? And when you’re done, can you also please take care of the creepy bearded dude? What’s that? You’re a peaceful animal? Then can you please get your friend the croc to do the dirty work? We’re willing to pay…