Jon Gosselin is a coke head with a sex tape. Anyone shocked about this last one?

Let’s all pretend we had no clue Jon Gosselin could come up with a sex tape faster than Tila Tequila could apply Vagisil after a night of penis plowing and fertilizing. But that it doesn’t actually involve his kid’s tree house and an average-looking nanny? He totally took us by surprise on that one!

Here’s the story via The National Inquirer:

Jon’s bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has been subpoenaed to testify in TLC’s lawsuit against Jon, and The ENQUIRER has learned Meinelt claims he saw Jon snort cocaine many times, and that he’s watched Jon’s secret sex tape!
“Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny.
“Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him.
“He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

We’re just going to go ahead and assume the “close friends” who trapped him into this sex tape was none other than his BFF Michael Lohan. Awesome thinking Michael! Always have a back-up plan in case your own family’s secret recordings don’t end up being the cash cow you intended them to be.