Jesus dumps Madonna over age difference

Madonna and boy toy, Jesus Luz, 23, have called it quits after a year, reportedly because they ran out of things to talk about. And, well, because Jesus had a breakthrough in his psychotherapy sessions and realized sex with a gargoyle is incredibly dangerous.

And since he went on record saying HE broke it off, we wish him all the best and hope his mama knows a good witch in their village to prep Jesus for all the evil that’s going to befall him (see doll with fabric penis on doorstep stabbed with a thousand needles and missing its head).

The unholy union came to an end because of their 28-year age difference and busy work schedules (make that Madonna’s busy work schedule), according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Luz is also reported to have come to the conclusion that their lack of mutual interests limited their long-term future (aka he realized Madonna’s booby trap of a uterus was more equipped to eat babies than make them).

“It’s the age difference,” said a source close to the Material Girl.”How long could it last? How it even lasted a year seems a miracle to a lot of people.”

“They are in such different places in their lives. They both benefited, but it’s pretty much over now.”

“Or as Madonna told me, ‘We’ve just run out of things to talk about. It’s really pushing it for us to have common ground these days. We have Kabbalah, that’s about it’.”