Jesse James has broken his silence and issued an apology Thursday to his wife Sandra Bullock and his three children, taking full responsibility for the heartbreak the recent reports of his affair with a stripper/porn star named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee have caused.
In a statement provided to PEOPLE, he says:
“The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.
“There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.
“This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”
We’re assuming that denying the “vast majority of the allegations” means a porn star didn’t really call him Vanilla Gorilla and he didn’t plunge his godzilla in a tattooed vagina with the sign “enter at your own risk” engraved on it so Sandra Bullock has no choice but to forgive him. After all, he did say he was sorry, so he’s practically an innocent victim here (“ok, now that we got that out of the way, where’s that stripper rolodex of mine…”).
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