Ozzy Osbourne gave Sharon dead people's flowers

By the looks of it, we’re going to make posting excerpts from Ozzy’s new book a regular thing. Consider this the alternative to wathing “The Family Guy” on TV:

The items on the crazy menu for today are stolen grave flowers. Apparently, Ozzy wanted to give wife Sharon a bouquet and thought the cheapest florists would be, er, dead people.

Unfortunately for him, he forgot to remove the “In Loving Memory of Mary” card. Sharon quickly figured it out, threw a fit, bit his dick off and then sewed it back together (because as we found out she uses it when she’s itching for a vaginal rush).

In Ozzy’s own poetic words:

“I’d gone out on the p*** and it was late and I went into a graveyard and nicked some flowers off a freshly-dug grave. Then I forgot to take the card off.

“That went down like a pair of knickers. ‘Oh thank you for the flowers… you f*****!’ “