Katy Perry might be single Soon?

“YES! YES! YES!” was my first reaction when I heard reports that Katy Perry and Russell Brand were having trouble. Then, I realized even if she was single, I would have no shot at her, so “NO! NO! NO!” was my second reaction.  Enough about my hopeless dreams, though. Let’s get to the juicy details…

Here is what we know. We know Katy Perry and Russell Brand spent Christmas thousands of miles apart, and we know there are a lot of reports saying that they are having trouble. One report from the Us Weekly claimed they had a massive fight before Christmas. A source close to the couple told the Us Weekly, “They had a massive fight. She was like, ‘Fuck you. I’m going to do my own thing’ the source said that Brand replied with his own, “Fuck you.” Which supposedly led to Katy spending Christmas in Hawaii, while Brand was still back in England.  Apparently they had plans to spend Christmas together, but they all went to shit when the fight happened.

Now, to me that argument sounds completely fake. I think they are having trouble, but I highly doubt the argument when anything like that. This is my best guess at how the argument went…

It took place over the phone

Katy Perry: Russell, I am so excited to come and see you for Christmas! Our schedules have just been so busy and now we finally get some free time together.

Russell Brand: Lollipops and rainbows, yeah?

Katy Perry: What did you say, babe?

Russell Brand: Lollipops and fucking rainbows, floating around, yeah?

Katy Perry: Um…what? I don’t understand.

Russell Brand: Are you fucking deaf, darling? I said rainbows and lollipops.

Katy Perry: RUSSELL! ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN? YOU TOLD ME YOU STOPPED!

Russell Brand: Fuck you, okay? I’m not drinking…not right now at least. I’m playing with our cat.

Katy Perry: We don’t even have a cat.

Russell Brand: Well, it sure looks like a cat to me. What do you suppose it is then? A dog that looks a lot like a cat? Now that I think about it, I did hear something barking earlier.

Katy Perry: You know what? I am spending Christmas in Hawaii where I can show off my big boobs.

Russell Brand: Well, alright then. I’ll look for the pictures online, so I can jerk off to them a bit later.

Katy Perry: Jerk.

The end.