The original title for this post was going to be, ‘Chuck Norris Loves Chuck Norris JOKES.’ however, Mr. Norris has stated that it was in my best interest to inform you that these are in fact, 100% TRUTH, not jokes. I am also to inform you that the photos in the gallery below have not been altered in anyway. Thank you.
1. If at first you don’t succeed, then you are obviously not Chuck Norris 2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
12. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
13. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
14. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
16. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
17. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
18. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
19. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
20. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
21. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
22. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
23. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. it’s a shame he never cries…never.
24. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
25. Chuck Norris sweats Snapple.
26. Chuck Norris runs with scissors and other people get hurt.
27. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten – every night for a snack.
28. When Chuck Norris plays Tetris, the game runs out of pieces to give him.
29. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, He decides what time it is.
30. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
31. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.
32. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
33. Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn’t give exact change.
34. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, roundhouse kicked everyone in the face who had a poped collar, drank two kegs, and shit on the living room carpet. Just because he’s Chuck Norris.
35. The Chinese had two ideas to keep the Mongols out. Sadly, Chuck Norris works for no man so they had to settle on the Great Wall.
36. A blind guy stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe and Chuck Norris yelled at him. The sound of Chuck Norris’ voice enabled him to see. Unfortunately the first and last thing he saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to his face.
37. Chuck Norris used to be pro-life- then he started eating babies.
38. Children wear Superman pajamas, but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
39. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a key to unlock his door he just threatens it and it unlocks.
40. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
41. If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can’t see him you may be seconds away from death.
42. One guy told Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks were not the most efficient way to kick people. This was recorded as the biggest mistake in history.
43. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
44. Cars were invented as a way to run from Chuck Norris, and then Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
45. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
46. Chuck Norris and Fabio once got into a fight over the “I can’t believe its not butter” product. Chuck decided that it was butter, but Fabio wouldn’t listen. BIG MISTAKE. Chuck kicked Fabio in the forehead killing him instantly. Chuck then dragged Fabio around town by his hair because he is Chuck Norris.
47. Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself.
48. In a recent survey of the U.S. 94% of females lost their virginity to Chuck Norris, the other 6% were either extremely fat or ugly.
49. Ghosts are acutally the result of Chuck Norris killing people faster then death can process them.
50. Chuck Norris has VIAGRA eye drops just so he looks Hard.
51. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story; Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
52. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
53. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
54. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
55. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.” then you are dead wrong.
56. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
57. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
58. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
59. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
60. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray for lube.
61. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
62. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
63. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
64. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
65. Chuck Norris knows everything except for the definition of mercy.
66. Google won’t search for Chuck Norris, because it knows that you dont find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Finds you.
67. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
68. Chuck norris is the only man alive to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
69. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. The man ate a fucking Indian.
70. This one time, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Several hours later, a car pulled up and out got Chuck Norris. Without a word, he urinated in the gas tank, and left. The car has since done 13,000 miles and I have yet to refill it…
71. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee. The result is Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
72. If it weren’t for Chuck Norris, we could mess with Texas.
73. Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked his son for pissing him off. He then brought him back to life and roundhoused kicked him again for dying.
74. Chuck Norris developed the c section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.
75. A young boy once screamed Chucks name because he doubted that Chuck would really answer his call. Chuck Norris showed up and fatally roundhouse kicked his entire family to death…but atleast he got to see Chuck Norris.
76. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
77. Chuck Norris doesn’t teabag. He potato-sacks.
78. Chuck Norris won a staring contest with the Sun.
79. If you’re wondering who your father could be…its probably Chuck Norris.
80. Chuck Norris killed the producers of the movie “BrokeBack Mountain” for stealing the name of the pile of dead ninjas in his backyard.
81. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
82. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerkey.
83. Chuck Norris doesnt grow hair on his balls because hair doesnt grow on steel.
84. Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.
85. Chuck Norris enjoys knitting sweaters, and by knitting I mean punching and by sweaters I mean babies.
86. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “Who has more testicles” contest… Chuck Norris won by five.
87. When Chuck Norris is having sex he’s always on top because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
88. The bible was originally entitled ‘Chuck Norris and Friends’
89. Every year, during tax season, Chuck Norris sends in blank tax sheets and a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.
90. Chuck Norris never charges for his acts of violence. They are always completely gratuitous.
91. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
92. Chuck Norris played russian roulette with a loaded gun and won.
93. Chuck Norris once went to Burger King, where he ordered a Big Mac, and got one.
94. Chuck Norris’ girlfriend once asked Chuck Norris ‘how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood’ Chuck norris exclaimed “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” before roundhouse kicking her head off and screaming ‘DON’T FUCK WITH CHUCK’. 2 years and 5 months later, realizing the irony of his statement, Chuck Norris laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast became deaf.
95. Chuck Norris once decided to dress as a whuss for haloween, so he shaved his beard and wore lose fitting pants. When a homeowner would ask if Chuck Norris would like some smarties Chuck would scream ‘i loathe smarties’ before roundhouse kicking the homeowner in the face. By the third house Chuck Norris’ beard had grown back. This will go down in history as the worst haloween costume ever. Chuck norris was 43 at the time.
96. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.
97. A bear once tried to attack Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then showed the bear his fist, and the bear proceeded to eat itself, because it would be a less painful way to die.
98. Jesus wears a “Chuck Norris is my homeboy” t-shirt.
99. Chuck Norris CAN upload pornography to facebook.
100. Chuck Norris invented all the colors, except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.