Heather Locklear, who, as I reported to you yesterday, was hospitalized after her sister called 911 due to an alcohol and drug related issue. Locklear was released from the hospital today, after the hospital spokesperson deemed the hospital visit as NOT a suicide attempt. Um… yeah, sure. You know, people don’t constantly go to the ER for the same damn ‘mistake.’ We’re humans… we tend to learn from those. Seeing how this has happened before, my guess is that it wasn’t as unintentional as people are making it out to be.

Brian Austin Green — you know? The second hottest guy from the old 90210? — is claiming that one of his old 90210 co-stars jacked him out of 200k. And, damn, that must be a lot for a has-been hottie, huh? Oh, but the co-star isn’t Tori Spelling or Luke Perry or anybody important. Vanessa Marcil-Giovanazzo, who played Donna’s cousin on the show — is the money hounding hoe — and also happens to be Brian Austin’s babymomma. Yeeeeeeah. Apparently, he loaned her the money when he was dating her while the show was still going on, with the agreement that when he asked for it, she would repay the money. But, when BAG asked her to cough it up (seeing as how he’s GOT to be one broke SOB now) she refused. He’s now filed a suit against her for the 200k and ‘unspecified damages.’ lol… They always got to file for ‘damages’ don’t they?

Academy Award winner old-dude, Gene Hackman was airlifted to a hospital yesterday after he was hit by a car while riding his bike. Question: What the f**k is an eighty year old man riding a bike on a busy street for??? My God, I’m surprised he didn’t break his hip. Thankfully, though, Gene’s been released and is saying he’s ‘fine.’ So… he’s a stubborn old dude. Those are always the best!

Jersey Shore’s The Situation has been slapped by a pimp!! Well, he’s been slapped with a lawsuit by Serious Pimp apparel. Apparently, The Sitch was supposed to promo some of SP’s gear on the show. But, after he got his $25,000 advance, he split. Serious Pimp is suing for the advance back and — what else? — damages! Why? Because they assumed they’d make a bunch of booty from The Situation’s promoting so they are also suing for lost profits. Hmm… I’m not sure I’d want that skeeze promoting anything of mine in the first place… Just a thought…

Kim Kardashian is a selfish BITCH!!! You would think that with a fortune of nearly 40 mil, this heifer could give a little more, right? But, you know what’s even worse than giving nothing at all? Pretending to be giving, when you really aren’t!! It recently came out that Kim Kardashian’s charity ebay sight — where she sells all of her old clothes, accessories, and jewelry for the charity called Dream Foundation — does not give all of the proceeds to charity, as her site makes it seem. In fact, a mere ten percent goes to the charity while the rest of the dough goes directly into that cow’s stuffed pocket! Fat, selfish, stuck-up, hoity toity bitch!!! Yeah… I’m a little angry at her at the moment…

Oh Jesus. This is the worst thing to happen in Hawaii since the final episode of Lost was taped. Why does that dumb American island have to bring so much pain and suffering? Megan “Shoulda Had Our Cock” Fox and Brian Austin Green were married this past week in a small ceremony at the Four Seasons Resort on the Big Island of Hawaii. They did their research and realized there is a big, positive correlation between HUGE celebrity weddings and divorces. Not to mention that if any male passerby saw Megan Fox say her vows he’d immediately commit hara kiri and end his life on the spot.

The two met on Hope & Faith (the hell..?) back in 2004 and have been at least a little together ever since.

No word yet on if Megan found the engagement ring she lost.. like the silly bint that she is.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green (seen here coming out of a Laker’s game on Tuesday night) reportedly got engaged again while they were vacationing in Hawaii, according to Us Weekly:

“I saw her jumping up and down,” a witness tells Us Weekly of the beachside proposal at the Four Seasons Hualalai hotel on the Big Island in Hawaii. “Later, I saw a half dozen staff sifting through the sand.”
Alas, the 2-carat sparkler, which the pair picked out together from Excalibur jewelry store in Beverly Hills, remains MIA.
“Security and maintenance staff spent a couple of hours looking for it,” another source tells Us Weekly. “No one found it.”

Awesome. So Brian Austin Green spends a fortune to propose to this one the first time around only to get dumped three years later, then tries again only to have her turn around and let’s face it, throw the damn ring in the sand or feed it to a passing turtle, because she’s a complete psycho. Poseidon was forced to rise from the sea and start yelling “Dude, don’t do it, it’s a really bad sign, she’s going to end up killing you!!Nooooo!!”, but Brian was too busy staring at Megan’s ass and thinking of places where she could tattoo his name again as she pretended to look for the ring. So Poseidon had to return to his business. Getting it on with a sweet little mermaid that is.

PS: We weren’t blindsided with too much sexy this time. Maybe it was the scary six-pack or the 2 miles of tit Grand Canyon that did it. Or the Brian tattoo near her crotch. Who knows?

We want to put a legitimate question out there in the form of a mathematical equation: extreme hotness – (dumbness+ignorance+violence)=still bangable? If your answer is yes, then you need to be concerned (unless you’re a 45 year old virgin in which case your desire to have sex before you die is understood)…because we draw the line at psycho-bitches who want to gouge our eyes out and turn them into necklaces. 

Here’s what Megan Fox had to say according to OK! Magazine…oh, and if it’s ok with you, here’s a few pictures of her recent Rolling Stones photo shoot to make your decision as to whether you’d be willing to risk bodily harm for a night with Fox even more difficult:

“My temper is ridiculously bad. I’ve had to say to Brian, ‘You have to go and stop talking to me, because I’m going to kill you.

“‘I’m going to stab you with something, please leave.’ ”
“I’d never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn’t shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure.”
“Whenever I can be physical it helps me a lot with the actual acting aspect. I prefer it. “If I could just be either beating someone up or getting my a*s beaten in every scene I would love it. Sexy!”

Also check out this video of Megan first being ignored and then asked by comic Matt Zaller (who is a man apparently not in very good terms with his penis), to put a bag over her head so that his interview with her co-star could continue uninterrupted.

House-hunting superbabe Megan Fox was out on the prowl for a new mansion with her on-again-off-again 9021 lame-o Brian Austin Green (who must be nearing retirement age, right?). Also, someone please give her the memo that housing is cheap these days so she can stop skanking around in short shorts to get that ‘extra special’ deal from her realtor.

Looking for a place to crash for a couple nights? We still wouldn’t mind tossing Megan in the naughty dog house, just as long as she promises to leave her washed up beau outside.

It’s a wrap, folks. The L.A premiere of The Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen was the last promotion of the movie, and since that means there is a possibility Megan Fox will stay out of the press for a good week or two, we thought it would be a nice going-away gift if we presented her best moments of “Hotties say the darnest things”:

On her insecurities and fears:

 ’I think that I’m so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting.’

“Before I go onstage anywhere, I take a Xanax now.”

‘I am pretty sure I am a doppelganger for Alan Alda. I’m a tranny. I’m a man.

‘I’m so painfully insecure. I’m on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I’m scared.’

On drugs:

‘I hope they legalise it and when they do I’ll be the first f***ing person in line to buy my pack of joints. ‘People look at it like it’s this crazy, hippy, f***ed-up thing to do. And it’s not. I hope they legalise it.’

On sex:

‘I really enjoy having sex, and that’s offensive to some people. Women are the quickest to call other women slags, which is sad.
‘I haven’t met a lot of men who’ve said, “You like having sex? What a dirty w***e you are!” That’s because they wish their wives or girlfriends would have more sex with them.’ 

On her sexuality:

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided _ oh man, sorry, mommy! _ that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop,” said Fox. “I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.”
“I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but … oh boy.”

On the movie industry, acting and her own skills:

‘I’m terrible in it. It’s my first real movie and it’s not honest and not realistic…

‘I can’t s**t on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don’t want to blow smoke up people’s ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting.’

‘When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love.’Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who’s not their partner. It’s really kind of gross.’

“People don’t expect me to do anything that’s worth watching.” “I think all women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. That’s what our purpose is in this business. You’re merchandised, you’re a product. You’re sold and it’s based on sex. But that’s okay. I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded.”

On how she got into character for Jennifer’s body:“It’s not in the script but, in my head, my character was victimised by my dad, so I take it out on the boys in my high school.”

On other celebrities:

‘I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson, who I have nothing against, but I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve ever learned to prove, like, “Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.”‘

‘I used to sit back and think, “Please, Britney Spears has the best life ever – she has everything she could ever want!” But she has one of the worst lives. Her life is a living fucking nightmare. I have panic attacks thinking about her life.’

“The other day I said I eat a lot of cake and that was the top story on Yahoo.”

“I happened to be such an outrageous personality that people wanted to start writing about me because it was deemed controversial.” “I think if I had been a typical Hollywood actress and I said all the right things and I had been a publicity android, it wouldn’t have escalated to this level.”

On her hygiene:

‘I’m horrible to live with. I don’t clean. My clothes end up wherever I take them off. I forget to flush the toilet. Friends will tell me, “Megan, you totally pinched a loaf in my toilet and didn’t flush.”‘

On her tattoos:

“I’m not kidding when I say that if I ever lose a role because of my tattoos, I’ll quit Hollywood and go to work at Costco.”

‘I wouldn’t regret the tattoo if we weren’t together. I can always have a kid and name him Brian. There are options.’

So to summarize, Megan Fox is a DILF (and the D stands for Dimwit)…and here’s further proof…she’s still with Brian Austin Green as these latest pictures of them getting coffee in L.A prove…

And since we’re on the dumb and dumber subject, also check out the other brainiac hotties that showed up for the premiere such as Kim Kardashian, Aubrey O’Day, Kendra Wilkinson and Kristin Kavallari.

Megan Fox does not lose many opportunities to show us her tongue…and this time it was during a stroll with Brian Austin Green yesterday afternoon (May 7) in Santa Monica on their way to Jinky’s Cafe. So was she making love to the camera, getting pissed off at the paparazzi, or showing us how she made up with Brian after Tuesday’s heated argument?

We’re guessing Brian Austin slept on the couch (or the bathroom floor?) after this argument with Megan Fox. The photographers who snapped the pictures reported that the two had a heated argument which resulted in Megan getting very upset…funny…Brian just doesn’t seem all that bothered…maybe because he knows what follows the day after is nasty make-up sex? We’re guessing the fight was over her hair (and its split personality issues…i’m brown, no i’m blond, no, i’m hazelnut).