I should just go to bed now and end my day on a high note, because Jessica Szohr decided to wear absolutely nothing but some annoyingly-placed paint in a Costa Rican jungle for SoBe’s new Lifewater ad campaign, showing the world a whole new perspective of the Gossip Girl actress. If there was any time in my life I wanted to be a paintbrush, this is it.
Most of you probably won’t have a clue who the hell she is and only came here because you saw “nude” in the headline. All you really need to know is that she is the token minority on that show your little sister and gay cousin watch, Gossip Girl, apart from that she is hot which is all that matters at the end of the day.
Crocs won't get a chance to have implants for lunch:Jordan quits the jungle after hating viewers put her through hell
The ink on these “i so belong in the jungle giving tarantulas an erection” Jordan pictures has not even dried and she’s already quitting the game (I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here). Apparently, Brits operate by this twisted logic where a woman who cheated on her husband and abandoned her children has to be punished in every way possible (viewers every week chose Jordan to be the one to go through stomach-churning trials like eating nasty bugs, giving fellatio to a turtle…ok, maybe not that one, but you get the idea).
Hello? She’s got huge knockers, she likes to fondle them out in the open, naked mud wrestling is her favorite jungle past time…and you’re kicking THIS contestant out? And they call us Americans idiots. At least we recognize quality TV time when we see it. For example, that’s why we gave a bisexual midgit with a penchant for sex tapes her own show (Tila Tequila, we will never force you to put anything in your mouth that you don’t want to, that’s a promise).
Here’s Jordan coming full circle in her illustrious career as she kills jungle mosquitos by trapping them in her boob cavity and gives pythons a hard-on in Britain’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here (first time was in 2004 when she came out of the jungle with a husband). In the latest episode, Jordan decides to relax by massaging her implants under a waterfall after getting a panic attack in a tunnel filled with water. Stay tuned for Jordan’s mental breakdown…you know it’s bound to involve burning her bikini top and writhing in the mud naked with a male competitor who didn’t want to share his rice ration.
We know you like “I’m a celebrity…get me out of here” so much more than The Hills…and that’s because – fingers crossed – there’s a 50/50 chance Spencer and Heidi become sushi for an alligator and you don’t have to see the ditsy blonde making out with the weird creepy dude and his flesh-coloured beard ever, ever again.
However, because we like torturing people, here are quite a few samples of the duo’s brain-dead jungle monologues, including Heidi’s admission that she’s eager to eat a Kangaroo’s penis…because she’s been searching for months and can’t find Spencer’s anywhere…
“I’m more excited than nervous,” Heidi tells PEOPLE on the phone from Costa Rica just hours before the excursion began. “I’m from Colorado. I’m used to camping and roughing it, so I’m excited to experience it with my husband, who’s the city slicker.”
Says Spencer: “The closest I’ve been to camping was one time at the Four Seasons in Maui—they put me in the garden-view suite, not the oceanfront like I would usually get.”
“I wish I was making a joke!” he adds.
“When the doctor came in yesterday and told me to make sure I boil my creek water for at least 30 minutes at a time, I looked at him and said, ‘Wow. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into,’” says Spencer. “He was like, ‘All of the snake bites you will get, we have six hours before you die—and the farthest hospital is only two hours away.’ Awesome!”
“If there weren’t cameras and it wasn’t on NBC, I would already have quit,” says Spencer. “But this is my chance to promote my music, and my wife’s music, so I would walk on coals and battle an alligator right now.”
When it comes to the competition, he says, “The other people I would consider extras or stand-ins. I don’t know any of their names, really. I’m just going to live in the jungle with the camera crew and be crowned King of the Jungle!”
Heidi seems just as determined to come out victorious. “I want to prove to myself that I can eat kangaroo penis or whatever it is they’ll make me eat. I want to know for myself that I can do these challenges and that I’m as tough as anyone in the world,” she says. “I’m not afraid of anything. [But] the biggest competitor is going to be Spencer. He takes no prisoners. I’m worried he’ll push me over a cliff to get first place.”
Knowing there’s an audience out there that isn’t exactly pro-Speidi, she admits that could hurt either of their chances. “You never know,” she says. “But I think people will definitely see a different side of us. More down-to-earth.”
“We’re so down to earth, we’re in the earth!” adds Spencer.
Good, little Kangaroo…can you pretty please go for Heidi’s head when she comes for your penis? And when you’re done, can you also please take care of the creepy bearded dude? What’s that? You’re a peaceful animal? Then can you please get your friend the croc to do the dirty work? We’re willing to pay…
If only that boa was real…and if only it could just hug these two idiots and squeeze them real hard (it would be with love, ofcourse)…hopefully when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt start their new reality show “I’m an annoying, fame-hungry pest, get me out of here” (well, it’s actually “I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here”, but since that’s the only thing these two are not, we thought the first title suited them much better) the inhabitants of the animal kingdom who have been watching The Hills (they don’t get HBO in the jungle) will be dying to inflict some real pain on them…unless Spencer’s white beard freaks them out too…
In case you’re wondering, the annoying duo were posing for a photo shoot in L.A on Saturday and this week they are entering the jungle for the filming of the reality show. After the photo shoot, Spencer filmed a video for his new rap (????) single “I’m a Celebrity” (?????????).