Aside from Ben Stiller in horrifying Avatar makeup, nothing happened at the Oscars that is really worth mentioning. No hot actress showed up with her cheeseburger hanging out of a $10,000 dress. Not one person got drunk enough to throw up all over Quentin Tarantino. Steve Martin made a few jokes and none of them were about Lady Gaga’s penis. Aren’t award ceremonies supposed to be awesome?

True, there were a fair share of gorgeous women in expensive dresses, but to the percentage of the population that have penises (or wished they had penises) no dress is going to be impressive unless the starlet falls out of it. “Megan Fox’s titty wildly escapes from Vera Wang cleavage” – now that’s a story worth writing about.

“The Hurt Locker” took home most of the awards last night while “Avatar” got bent over and treated like the high school whore. There weren’t any real upsets or issues, so the Oscars were even more boring than they usually are. That one “The Hurt Locker” producer must be kicking himself right about now – his movie won most of the awards, but he was banned for spamming the Academy with “VOTE FOR ME!” messages. He got to enjoy the Oscars the same way we did – eating Fruit Loops in our footie pajamas while Grandma smokes a carton of cigs.

The general run-down of winners (blah, blah, The Hurt Locker, blah blah, Sandra Bullock):

Best Motion Picture of the Year: The Hurt Locker

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role: Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role: Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role: Mo’Nique for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Best Achievement in Directing: Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen: The Hurt Locker, Mark Boal

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published: Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, Geoffrey Fletcher

Best Achievement in Cinematography: Avatar, Mauro Fiore

Best Achievement in Editing: The Hurt Locker, Bob Murawski, Chris Innis

Best Achievement in Art Direction: Avatar, Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg, Kim Sinclair

Best Achievement in Costume Design: The Young Victoria, Sandy Powell

Best Achievement in Makeup: Star Trek, Barney Burman, Mindy Hall, Joel Harlow

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score: Up, Michael Giacchino

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song: Crazy Heart, T-Bone Burnett, Ryan Bingham(“The Weary Kind”)

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing: The Hurt Locker,  Paul N.J. Ottosson, Ray Beckett

Best Achievement in Sound Editing: The Hurt Locker, Paul N.J. Ottosson

Best Achievement in Visual Effects: Avatar, Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham, Andy Jones

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year:
Up (2009), Pete Docter

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year: El secreto de sus ojos (Argentina)

Best Documentary, Features:
The Cove, Louie Psihoyos, Fisher Stevens

Best Documentary, Short Subjects: Music by Prudence, Roger Ross Williams, Elinor Burkett

Best Short Film, Animated: Logorama, Nicolas Schmerkin

Best Short Film, Live Action: The New Tenants, Joachim Back, Tivi Magnusson

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